100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind