Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Meow
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.