me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

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There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.


I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …


Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.


I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!


A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.


I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.