me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

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Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.


I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe


My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.


Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”


*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*


Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
Lovely weather!
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d


No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.


horrifying if literal: the electric slide


Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*


*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes