me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*


[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.


[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.


“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”


me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?


If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms


Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids


You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs


[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?