me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower