@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

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@markydoodoo

Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

@UnFitz

I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe

@MoistPork

My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@JasonLastname

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

@trentistweeting

Why hello, dear!
“trent, did you bring cue cards to read off of during our date?”
Lovely weather!
“and did you only bring two?”
Why hello, d

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@VanGobot

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes