Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”