@AbrasiveGhost

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

You Might Also Like

@Henry_3000

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@GloriaFallon123

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

@LostFelicia

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724