[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
You Might Also Like
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting