[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”


“Why u bean like this?”


“Don’t u carrot all?”


You Might Also Like


My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.


At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.


Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.


The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry


When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.


Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.


I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724