I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!