@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

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@gisexllee

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

@ddsmidt

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

@mack44_d

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

@INDlAN_

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

@AngryRaccoon2

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@dsmitty62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!