Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no