Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

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me to my husband: i love you for who you are on the inside…spare organs


me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind


Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”


Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.


[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]


Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.


Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.


Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.