@Ygrene

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

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@LizerReal

me to my husband: i love you for who you are on the inside…spare organs

@panmidwest

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@TheTweetOfGod

Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.

@justabloodygame

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

@Froschauer_AF

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

@tat2dsoccermom

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.