[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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Me- mom stop you are never funny. You never make joke.
Mom- I made you
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?