Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?

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Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?


I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.


Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car


*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*


Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song


im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*


“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.


So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year