[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You Might Also Like
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
man i love columbo
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.