(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Due to social distancing, IKEA can only have 5 husbands lost at a time.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.