Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.