@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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@smedlee

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

@Maxine12333

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?

@OBiiieeee

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

@Kori_Okie

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

@Swain_Train47

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.