@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

@Home_Halfway

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@humanaaron

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.