
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.