date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.