me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake


You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.


[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?


[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no


put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”


Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”


I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.


Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.