Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Cannot stop laughing at this
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.