@tweetsbyrocket
@smedlee
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
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@smedlee
@Maxine12333
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
@HomeProbably
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
@Sean_Burgundy_
[1st date]
Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?
Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
@Luiki89
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
@OBiiieeee
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
@Kristen_Arnett
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
@3sunzzz
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
@Kori_Okie
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
@Swain_Train47
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.