Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
road rage
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.