Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.


It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this


It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.


Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes


It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”


All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs


*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG