@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

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@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@averyhartmans

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@alfageeek

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

@turbolazers

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG