Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.