@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@tsm560

I think it’s hilarious when someone takes a break from here and people immediately ask if they’re okay. As if being off twitter isn’t the very definition of being okay

@RodneyH42

Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it

@cathisamazing

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

@elliewilsonxxxx

I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else

@venmo4feet

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

@carlyken

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

@shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@ShesARealGenius

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

@MooseAllain

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you