Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?


I think it’s hilarious when someone takes a break from here and people immediately ask if they’re okay. As if being off twitter isn’t the very definition of being okay


Relationship Status: Even my alarm clock stops responding to me after I bang it


Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else


My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”


[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now


My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you