It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Hard not to take this personally
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The Onion called it…again.