Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.