Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless