COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows