Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨