Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.


I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes


It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.


Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?


Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.



THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.


Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows