@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

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@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

@OfficeofSteve

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

@4ScoreN20Bowls

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@TheNYAMProject

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

@blade_funner

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows