yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.