Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.

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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.


In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing


INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?


“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”


[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy


Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.


Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.


*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.


If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.