@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

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@OMGSoOverIt

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@novicefather

[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy

@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@realHamOnWry

Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@OhReallyRach

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.