Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
No way!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree