Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
You Might Also Like
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.