Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Brain: not like last time
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die