Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.