Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked


Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.


…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.


My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.


*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*


just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping


*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*


Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good


I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die