I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine