“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Do not underestimate me. 16 just dared me to eat the fish food. It’s freeze-dried worms. Wasn’t bad. I’m hungry.
Standing next to my stalkers bed watching him sleep
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.