HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.
But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.
[watching our kid play at the park]
ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress