ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?