Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

@HuttonGray

Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.

@MomofTeen

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@iamspacegirl

[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@ClichedOut

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

@TheBoydP

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress