@KentWGraham: If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.

@VeganZebra: *spelling bee* Me: b-e-e Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell- Me: B-E-E Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong

@JAdomian: Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but "what if the Nazis didn't care about fitness?" comes close.

@texasstalkermom: Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.