@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

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@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@murrman5

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

@theashleyray

this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly

@Six_Pack_Mom

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

@fuzzlime

Do not underestimate me. 16 just dared me to eat the fish food. It’s freeze-dried worms. Wasn’t bad. I’m hungry.

@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

@OrdinaryAlso

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.