ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do