Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Breaking news:
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp