*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I told my vodka about you.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.