Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy