Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
another case of gang violins
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink