Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
You Might Also Like
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”