I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.