Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Wait a minute
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
man: wait
time: no
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Catering service
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’