@better_off_dad

Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

@momtransparent1

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@KKBowls

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you

@thereverendcink

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@Home_Halfway

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We need to hire smarter people.

HR: Why?

Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?

HR…