me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no