Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”


It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying


we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot


*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’


“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*


If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.