Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
You Might Also Like
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Meme Monday.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.