@LizerReal

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

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@iwearaonesie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@ch000ch

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@MisterD78UK

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”