me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in


Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…


mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes


Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.


People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.


*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”