My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Juliet: OR AM I…
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Half a dozen” because saying ‘6’ is way too long… >_<
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
– traveling zombies