me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
incredible text to wake up to