Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN