Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.


Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends


Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland


Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle


If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.


*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]


Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.


Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time


Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.


Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.


“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach