A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach