Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
repaired
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats