Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Name another movie that mislead you?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?