Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!