Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN