ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
plums roundup
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.