Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird