Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!