Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.

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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”



I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.


It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.


Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.


Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.


The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.


Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet


When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.


I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start


COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good