@UncleDuke1969

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

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@TheRolo

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

@Darlainky

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

@imadepoopstoday

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.

@TexasHickspanic

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

@KentWGraham

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good