me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My life coach traded me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.