me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You Might Also Like
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
spicy snake
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber