Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.