@LeeroyJenkyy

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

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@BluEzeNBrwnSkin

Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza

@BobTheSuit

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

@mrtiredeyes

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@goldengateblond

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.