Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

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Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza


My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.


Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here


fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no


[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually


All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.


Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.


5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.