@LeeroyJenkyy
@BluEzeNBrwnSkin
Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.
Fine. A Pizza
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@BluEzeNBrwnSkin
@BobTheSuit
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
@mrtiredeyes
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
@surrealvehicle
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
@BunAndLeggings
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
@panmidwest
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
@ddrwg
All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.
@goldengateblond
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
@noogscorner
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@Cage_unlocked
5 steps to a happy marriage:
1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.