Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.
Me: “Breath mint?”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”
Then walk away forever.
My wife is on her exclamation mark.
*puts little Santa hat on cat*
Hahaha Santa claws
*puts little Santa hat on dog*
Hahaha Santa paws
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]