@Mindless4Miles

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

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@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@fro_vo

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

@Sassafrantz

[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.