Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

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Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.


Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.


When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.


*puts little Santa hat on cat*

Hahaha Santa claws

*puts little Santa hat on dog*

Hahaha Santa paws


*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*


I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.


Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.


HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]