[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: “Breath mint?”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Yay it’s payday!
That was short lived.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.
detective: let’s do a jumping one!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.